Thursday, November 9, 2017

Apologies, Hermitude, and Thanks.

Dearest friends and readers,

I wrote this blogpost in order to apologize to you guys. I recently realized my relative silence the latter half of this year has hurt some people. I feel awful for that. It was never my intention to make anyone feel bad or uncared for.

I am so very sorry if I have.

Those who know me, know that I tend to hermit when things are rough for me. When the lupus is kicking my ass, or life is kicking me in the teeth, I have an inherent need to hide away from the world to recharge. Also, I don't want to unload any negativity and pain on you guys (there's enough of that in the world already, I don't want to add to it) instead I isolate and analyze things.

The hardest part for me is how much I miss when I hide away. In three months I missed so many birthdays, anniversaries, deadlines, weddings, births/pregnancy announcements, accomplishments, and deaths. There were so many deaths this year. In that regard, 2017 has kicked my ass on a scale rival only to 2014 where I lost a third of my family.

I don't know what else I can do in these times of grief and pain other than to retreat within. It's always been my thing to cloister myself and examine my life. It allows me to see where I am in life and what I can improve on. I don't ever mean to hurt anyone by doing so.

When I am really sick or stressed, I tend to stay off social media because then my world becomes a more manageable bubble of kids, pets, house, and work. That is how I am able to get through on bad days. Small steps, one foot in front of the other. A ton of good memes helps too. I try to pop online if only to share those in the hopes that maybe they'll help someone else smile.

I didn't mean to be an asshole or miss out on so much. I honestly tried my best to get back ASAP to the people who got in touch with me. Ashamedly, I didn't realize how much of my life goes on within my social media platforms and so I wrote this to apologize to anyone I may have hurt with my extended absences.

I hope you guys know that I didn't stay away because I didn't want to talk to or interact with you guys. I stayed away because I love you and didn't want to infect you with my negativity. I instead tried to take the time to focus on having more gratitude for the people, beings, and things I have around me. This allows me to be more optimistic and I know that's something some people have come to rely on me for. I'm ashamed to admit that (for the first time in my life) it's been difficult for me to find much optimism this year, so I'm very sorry if I let any of you down.

Thank you guys for bearing with me. I'm very sorry, again, if I hurt anyone by hermiting away. I never meant to. I am more grateful than I can say for you guys. You're the reason I keep coming back to social media, the bright spots in my life that I try not to dim when everything is dark. I hope you guys have some good luck today and I hope to see you around a bit more in the coming months.

 Also, please don't ever be afraid to message me if I'm offline. I do try my best to get back ASAP to those who do. Which reminds me, I want to say a big huge honking thank you to all the folks who checked in with me to make sure I was okay. I love you guys and I'm very grateful to have you in my life. Thanks again, everyone, for all the love and support. You guys are the best.


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